Listen. Just stop what you are doing right now. Close your eyes, count to 30, and just listen. I don’t just mean hearing the sounds around you. I mean, real listening.
What did you hear? How did what you hear make you feel?
When is the last time you just stopped and listened? With intent. To do nothing else but listen.
And now ask yourself, when is the last time you stopped and listened – I mean, undistracted, phone down, TV off, Sirius radio silenced — to someone who was speaking to you?
Last question, when is the last time someone you were talking to really listened to what you had to say? They didn’t just hear you. They listened. You know the difference. I know you do.
Hearing is a capability. Listening is a skill.
Unless you have practiced this skill, a lot, my guess is that it has been a while since you listened intentionally. I would also venture to guess that more often than not, you have not felt listened to, really.
Not only is listening a skill, I also think it’s a lost skill.
The ability human beings have to communicate with one another is one of the most fascinating factors that distinguish us from other animals walking the Earth.
Our command of language – any language, even sign language – as a means of communicating is a remarkable blessing. For sure, as we have advanced in society, the ways in which we communicate have also advanced.
Anyone who touches a screen to communicate with another person, taps a microphone icon to speak into a digital device, taps a red circle on their phone to record a video, or uses a keyboard to put words “down on paper” is using a modern form of communication. When you do that, a message is crafted and delivered to another person. Message sent. Message received. That is one way to communicate. It is also one-way communication.
That is not listening. Just because a message was sent and received does not mean it has been absorbed, processed, and understood. There is no real communication unless it is two-way.
According to Miram-Webster and an MS Office Co-pilot prompt, listening is the active process of receiving and responding to spoken (and sometimes unspoken) messages. It involves paying attention to sound, hearing something with thoughtful attention, and being alert to catch expected sounds. True listening goes beyond mere hearing—it’s about understanding and engaging with what others are saying.
That’s worth repeating.
Listening is about understanding and engaging in what others are saying.
To use a dance analogy, it takes two to tango. It takes two to listen.
Here’s what I mean. To understand a message, the receiver needs to not only acknowledge they received it, but also that they understand it. How does the receiver do that? By engaging with the sender in a way that demonstrates, “I heard you and I understand.” Two-way communication.
Let’s get out of the theoretical and look at an example.
The situation is a bear is snooping around your back yard. You’re talking to your 12-year-old daughter who’s sitting on the couch playing a game on her phone with her friend who’s sitting across from her. They are not talking with each other. They’re engaged in playing the game.
You say, “Hey, Jenna, look, there’s a bear in the backyard!”
If Jenna heard you, a typical response would likely be, “OK.” If she responds at all.
If Jenna is listening to you, her response would likely be, “Wow, that’s cool.” She acknowledges and understands what you said.
If Jenna is actively listening to you, her response would likely be, “Wow, that’s cool. Where? Are you OK? Is it destroying anything? Let me videotape it and post it on Tik Tok. Carly (addressing her friend), check this out.”
See the distinction? Millions of people experience conversations where the person they are speaking to heard them or maybe even listened, but they do not often experience true, active listening.
Does active listening really matter? Strong, admired, successful leaders understand, value, and demonstrate active listening with intent.
For example, in his book, Turnaround Time, Oscar Munoz, now retired CEO of United Airlines, talks about his first 37 days at the helm. He embarked on listening tour visiting every part of the airline’s operations with one goal – hear first-hand how employees were feeling and what the company could be doing better.
He described a conversation with a flight attendant who merely told him that she was tired. Tired of saying I’m sorry to customers every day, all day long. Mr. Munoz literally built his entire turnaround strategy on that one comment.
He also spoke of a conversation with the head of flight attendants’ union, a non-friendly group to the United organization at the time. Before talking business, he asked her how she got interested in the airline industry. It was a question from the heart, not the head. As he listened to the answer intently, without distraction, he gained a better appreciation for where his then opponent was coming from and why she had the passion and drive she had for the flight attendants she represented. That conversation went from an adversarial one to one in which mutual respect was earned, and that served them both well over time.
Mother Teresa believed that every person she met with was the one and only person in the world at that moment. People around her noted that for the moment you were with her, there was only you and her. She gave everyone her full attention.
Imagine what the world would be like if everyone could feel that way. Loved. Listened to. Respected. Valued.
You know how it feels when that happens to you. You know how it feels when it doesn’t. And the need to be heard could not be more urgent today. Let’s look at some facts.
- The percentage of individuals suffering from mental health issues continues to rise – especially following the COVID pandemic – and the increase is greatest for children ages 12-17.
- Edelman’s Trust Barometer (2023) noted that listening to employees is crucial for restoring trust and addressing economic anxiety.
- According to Psychology Today (July 8, 2021, Kristen Fuller, M.D.), “By not listening to someone or passively listening, we are causing strain on that relationship, which can eventually affect our mental health.”
- An American Psychology Association special report noted, “Human behavior is at the heart of many of the biggest issues with which we grapple: inequality, climate change, the future of work, health and well-being, vaccine hesitancy, and misinformation.”
Would you not agree that at the heart of human connection and understanding is the simple act of undistracted, genuine, active listening? How many problems could be solved if more people simply stopped and listened?
My message is simple: listen to others in the same way that you want to be listened to and watch the magic unfold.
To your prosperity!
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